Tuesday, June 24, 2008;10:23 PM Y
And I Wanna Be Your Everything For Life x3
I really, don't know what to say....My day has been a hectic one, chaos all over.. Plans, that was what we had. But things had to go wrong,
ALWAYS! Why? Why must this happen to me always? Is it me, or did I do something wrong that I have to deserve this?? I don't know..
Tuesday, the worse day of the week, yes indeed. The day was filled with triple science subjects, each for around 2 periods, and 3 periods of enligsh with another 2 periods of chinese. Interesting right? Total, I end up studying up til 4pm today. It was tiring but the thing that kept me going on and motivated me for the day, was the meet up with andy baby.. Yes, it was him all along. My source of energy and happiness! Hmmm, I didn't hope much, and yes, something did happen and the meet up was delayed. I was hurt and sad at first, but thank god he called after an hour of wait in school. He was coming over so I just waited happily, with
HOPE! Yet things had to happen more than once. The bad news just come crashing onto me, I fell! I was depressed, I didn't know what to do. I wanted to say this "I knew this was coming" but I can't bear to say that. I know what he's going through and his sufferings. As his girlfriend, I must understand things right? I was wrong to think that way, and then I waited still. Texted his sister to get information of him, but I got this text "You shouldn't have left him waiting for a cab
alone."
After reading that, I felt guilty. It was my fault. I shouldn't have left him waiting for the cab. I should have known better right? I can walk,run healthy but no, I didn't take the initiative to look for him! Crap! Kimberly, its all your fault!! Its ALL your fault!.. But I as I thought, why not find him wherever he was? Yeah, I went up, planning to go woodlands, but instead I went to boon lay. Some very foreign place for me ;[ I was alone again, I really really hated that feeling, but for him, I risked going to some weird place that I barely can even remember being around there? I got directions and wanted to visit him. But seems like mommy was being all "why ain't you back yet?" As you guys know, boon lay to bishan, it takes minimum an hour or so? I don't know. But seriously, time seems to pass more slow when you're in the rush! I was freaking out and wanted the train to move faster. But the speed didn't seem to increase, and the time taken between each station grew. I panicked! I wanted to see him and be there for him. But seems like as soon as I reached boon lay, it was already late! I didn't know what or where to go, but lucky for van, I got to the destination and gave what I wanted to give to andy, and went back.. Imagine an hour of transportation from one area to another, just to give him something? I wanted to visit him, but seems like the father is someone who's very strict. So I guess the only thing is that, I had to go through meeting van to pass her the things..
I went opposite to catch the next bus back home. I waited and looked at the time. It was running faster than expected! I worried again, so I decided to switch off the phone, and avoid all watches or anything that shows the time. I was worried for andy, and I was worried about us! On the way home, on the bus, I thought about things... I can't and didn't even get to see him... The only thing that connects us is the handphone. & I know that as soon as my handphone gets confiscated thanks to the overpowered bill, I'd be lost! I can't and will not be able to contact him, neither will I be able to talk to anyone.. Sad and lost.. The handphone, is all I got, and the main item that brings us together closer each day. With it gone, what am I going to do? Anyone willing to tell me? I'm really lost, and I don't like this kind of relationship. I want to be able to hold my boyfriend's hands, able to hug him and feel his warmth. & instead not sweet talk through typing texts, nor through the phone? I don't want to only see his words, nor hear him. I want to be able to hold him while hearing him talk, feel the warmth of his words and hands. I really would love to have that, but I really can't bear to tell him. I know typing it hear, he'll be able to read it. But I just want to say, I don't want to put you in a bad situation, to have you force or strain yourself. Baby, your health matter most. I don't give a shit about the warmth or whatever, as long as you're alright yourself, health-wise! You know your own health right? Why?? Why can't you just take care of yourself?? I don't want nor wish to nag on, because I know you're already feeling the guilt. But I just want to say, I want you to be alright.. Operation coming soon? Just do it, chances of success are low, but I have faith in you. I trust you'll be able to do it, yes you can. Do it for me... baby, i'm sorry to make you worried when I switched off my phone. I guess I needed some time to relax and think through.. Love you always...
i've lost all hope for another meet-up... I really have, i've died from dates...
& i haven't eaten since the lunch break, but seems like i won't be for the next few days, I have to appetite and i'm depressed, confused...
Someone show me the light path out of the darkness, show me the fun and leave the sufferings! I want the sunshine after the rain!! :/
