Monday, July 21, 2008;6:19 PM Y
And I Wanna Be Your Everything For Life x3
I'm in a confused state right now.. I just feel super fed up at myself. How can I do something like this to someone whom have showed me with loads of love, plus, taken care of me, being there for me always.. How could I have been so insensitive to not notice the pain going through in him? How could I, be so selfish to think of my own needs, and not care for his? How could I do all these to him? How could you!?! I'm a real selfish girl, know that? Yes!.. I'm acting all bitch just cause he's kind-hearted and doesn't calculate on the things that you've done wrong. Instead of thanking him, I took advantage of him! Ain't I like the other girls? Those whom took advantage of him, where he really did put in effort in the relationship, to keep it going on!! How could I do this... to him.Finally after knowing the pain he has to go through, instead of being there for him, I did things that made him pissed off! That made him do harmful things to himself! I'm feeling crap right now... Its all my fault. If only I didn't do this, if only I didn't do that. If only.... I had left them alone..
I realise, this isn't the only thing that's happening to me. Its.. 2 things, same category situation! If only I had left them alone, I haven't met them.. What would their life be now? Better definitely! Why?
because he haven't known me! The jinx of his live, to screw up his live and, bother him.. If only I hadn't met him, he'd be with some nice, sweet girl, concerned for them whole-heartedly, and love them!! Knowing me was the greatest mistakes of their lives. I believe they must be regretting knowing me, and screwing up their lives....
Honestly, I've thought about, death... For once, I'm loosing it! I've been saying stupid things about others killing themselves for silly stuffs like, BGR, but I guess I didn't know how must pain they must have felt, before deciding to take the plunge!.. Now I do.. I'm really, at fault... When I was able to make things clear, explain, I didn't! I hide and ran away from the problem, thinking that it would solve on its own...I was wrong.. During this period of dragging, someone got hurt in the process. I didn't want that to happen, but selfish me, caused him to feel sad.. I made him sad!! how the hell can I do that to him??
A few hours ago, I thought, let's end it all to the pain, and stress I'm feeling now.. Once i'm gone, things might change for the better... Yes, I was on the verge.. I wasn't in the mood to study, my happy smile faded. I just lay... on my table.. Thinking of the different methods of death. Before I knew it.. I was... there... At the edge, looking down..... How would I end up? I don't care.. I didn't want this to happen anymore.. ..................
Before I left, I saw.... wugui.. hanging there... I felt the sharp pierce in my heart. How could I bear to leave him?? He was my first guy.... the first whom I loved truly.. The first, whom has loved me for me! Someone who actually know me inside out, found out my weak point and.... tried to change me for the better...
I once said, no one can change me, NO ONE!
But he did it! I changed, into someone else.. I don't know if its good, but I changed for him.. Realised that wugui was named after him
Wugui - hard on the outside, yet soft inside...
Yes, that's me... I may look very strong and mighty outside. But that was just my outer appearance.. I didn't realise this, until he came to prove to me.. That I needed support too.. He made me realise, I needed someone to rely on, so that if I were to break, I'd have someone to rely on.. Yes, someone.. To my luck, he was that one! We went through thick and thin, just to be together.. Yes, we did. Loads of sufferings, loads of hardwork... I want it to last, really.....
But come to think, I'm a jinx, what will I do to him?? Will I cause more pain into his agony life? Will I cause more tears to fall, just because of my selfish acts? What will happen?? I fear.... the most... I can't stand this... Maybe.... If......
Maybe... you might, feel better? I don't know, i don't like to make decisions!! Because every time I do, I make the wrong choice..... & harm myself or others. I don't like this. i really don't..... *sighs*.... What should I do??? Someone lead me the way....
Seeing your sweet photo, really brings the smile to me... I can't believe that, this is the cute you!, smiling all over... You once said, you've never laughed truly before, I was there, I wanted to make you smile to the max! But, seems like I can't do it... I failed... I'm a loser... If you have given me a chance, I want...... to make you smile, I want to leave the deepest impression on you. I want to be... there for you... because, you mean a lot to me...
# be honest, tell me the truth, tell me things and it shall only be meant for me...
# I want to change for you, because only you have the right to do that... You mean a lot to me....
